Today

TodayI’m going to visit my family out of town.What am I doing,I’m NOT supposed to tell myselfwhat I’m doing todayor give myself a time frame.Let’s start over. Ok.TodayI am going to do something differentthan I did yesterday.SHE gave me homework:“Put your makeup on like you’re going to go about your day,even if you don’t get the chance.Let’s try that today.”ButI can’t get ready at the vanity,nopethat’s going to remind me I’m going somewhere.The living room!I’ll play musicpretend I’m relaxing and play dress up.Yah! I got this!

Rummaging through my makeup,I place it on a tray and bring it to the coffee table,downstairs to the living room.I grab a glass of wine. Put a tv show on.Ok, this is going super smooth.I am doing so well… Ok.I turn to the table.

Bom-bom. Bom-bom. Bom-bom.My heart moves fast…faster…faster.I have tocall someone. Someone calm.They’ll talk me out of it.SHE says, “Close your eyes.Breathe in - 2, 3, 4. Hold - 2, 3, 4.Breathe out- 2, 3, 4. Repeat two more times.Now when you open your eyes focus on one thing.Tell yourself what it is and describe in detail...”PING goes my apple watchthat lays on my wristslippery from sweat.“…Change to another object. Repeat…”My heart is above resting heart rate.How am I sitting down and my heart is at 103bpm.Wait, what’s my resting heart rate? …. 75.Ok. goal, Let’s get to 85.I can settle with 85.[Repeat breathing exercise.]Not working.I just want toput makeup on my faceand put one foot in front of the otherand try to make it out of the door.I told myself today was the day.I take a shot of vodka and turn up the music, man I love this song.Dancing always gets me out of my funk-how else can I keep up with my heart beating so fast?

By the third songI think this time I’m ready.My heart rate went down, finally.First, the face, then the eyebrows, then the magnetic liner.Blow dry my hair. Lip liner, bronzer, concealer, eyelashes.Fast forward 2 hours and I finally have make-up and clothes on.

I have been called a typical millennial with anxiety and panic attacks.But I’m not.I am me.

For more information on anxiety and helpful tips, please visit: https://www.forhers.com/blog/anxiety-hotline (https://www.forhers.com/blog/anxiety-hotline) Or you can text HELLO to 741741 for a text based helpline that has 24/7 access to people who can help with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and much more. I PROMISE. YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE. By: Nicole Bowne